Story writing competition winner.


    Before I continue on with the prize, i'll begin with this statement:

    Thank you to all those that participated! @Donner @Meiki @Vidrik @Basileus @dj35

    Those of you who are curious to read the stories, they can be found here.

    As I was about to give out the reward, I came to a dilemma upon realising that many (if not all) of the participants already posses an adept key, and I wanted to give others a consolation prize for trying, but it seems that they too already possess a key, and that they were simply hoping for an upgrade; which was not the main contention of the competition.

    This was quite frustrating, I will admit. The main purpose of this competition was to allow people who does not have a key to have one in the first place, so that they could play with us in the future, but it turns out that those interested already bought the key, one of them already have an 'eternal' key, it was fun to read their story and I was grateful that they participated, but i believe that the spirit of the competition was already lost.

    I have chosen my winner, I've written a thought out post about why I've chosen them as a winner, I critiqued it, and debated whether it was worth the 'eternal' key, i felt that it was lacking some substance to get to that level and provided feedback that they could use; decided to send out the prize and poof, it seems that this person already has a key.

    This was definitely a mistake on my behalf. I was not specific enough with 'who can compete', and that I was hoping for more participants, and despite outlining that i'd most likely cancel if there were not enough participants, I decided to go through with it anyway as some people have already invested their time.

    I will admit that I am fairly disappointed with the outcome of this competition, I didn't plan it well enough and it seems that almost all of us in the forums already have a key, and essentially are just competing for a better key; but when I created the event, it was right after Alpha test and a lot of people seem to not possess a key at that time.
    It seems that those that stuck around have already invested their own entry to the game.

    So my dilemma is, do I sacrifice my own standards of quality, or do I just upgrade peoples keys instead? I resorted back to the main contention of competition which was to give people without a key a chance to have one, I was not expecting people to already posses one to still compete and be interested, and if they do want a key upgrade, I do have my standards to apply. I'll have to stand by my principle of quality and I won't be handing out key upgrades as the main purpose of the competition was to give those who does not have a key a chance to win one.

    With that being said, I believe it's time to announce the winner.

    Congratulations to Donner for being the selected winner for this event.
    Donner has been awarded with an Adept Key. Seeing as you already posses a key greater than the Adept key, and I do wish to honour the prize, In the future, you are free to choose a friend, or guild member that does not yet possess a key and I shall purchase one for them.

    Some of the things that I liked about it...

    Well structured and it was easy to read (Times New Roman, size 12, 1.5 spacing).
    There was a clear, and well thought out research done for the paper.
    The characters used were true to world of fractured MMO, and has referred to some of monsters we've already encountered in game.
    The story was generally well written and that there is a clear thought pattern emerging from the story, which was easy to read and follow.
    The creativity, vocabulary, grammar and spelling were generally on the spot.
    I also enjoyed the subtle hints and minor details added that implicates a much wider world.

    What could have been improved and what would have made it a more compelling story?

    Personally, I was not as invested on the main characters, Kalos (Kathos? it was misspelled at one point, I believe) and Kardia.
    I would have wished for a bit more focus on their identity, motivations, and what compelled them to brave the night.
    Some foreshadowing for their demise, even. Or perhaps setting up an introduction to why their story, or the story of the Lich Arun'gur has some significance, perhaps then I, as a reader would feel more engaged and invested to the main character(s).

    There was a heavy emphasis on the 'battle sequence' of the story, which took a large portion of the story telling, with that being said, the story and world building was a little lost. While it showcased the writers capability to describe small/minor details, it didn't help captivate peoples interest upon the main characters, which did caused for a fairly dry ending.

    To sum it up, it was a well structured story, what could have improved it was creating an importance to why the story of the "Lich Arun'gur" should be listened to, and for the writer to expand on the identities of the characters so that the audience can feel invested on them.

    With that being said, I find myself in a bit of a dilemma. (refer to previous message)

    As for the others, I wouldn't want to single out anyone so i'll make a blanket statement on what could/would help you with better writing.

    The basics are grammar, spelling and readability. If you're casually chatting on the forum or generally talking then sure, some degree of spelling and grammar gets thrown out of the window, but if you're writing a literature piece, or any papers with an intention of presentation for that matter, please double check your spelling and your grammar.
    Grammar and spelling makes it easy for your readers to follow and comprehend your story.

    There is also a very big difference between an oral story and a narrative piece, always keep in mind that story telling depends on your medium.

    In the same sense that books and writings need to be 'edited' or told in a different manner when being translated to movies, orally transmitted stories also need to be edited to make it fitting for a written literature.

    Your story also needs to have a clear narrative as well, and that the reader should be able to tell which perspective the story was coming from, or the 'entry point' to the story.
    i,e; am I meant to be reading it as if I were reading a report and let my own creativity run wild? or am i meant to be reading it as if I were reading a personal journal/story?

    Most importantly, the theme should be evident from the very beginning and that the writer needs to stay 'accurate' to their narrative.
    If some inaccuracy occurs within the story, it should be highlighted by the writer them self, either explicitly or subtly.

    When I speak of 'accuracy' to the narrative, i'm not just referring to the consistency of the story, but the congruent integrity of the character and the world that they live in itself; and again, if this is not the case then the writer needs to make an acknowledgement of this.

    You have to keep in mind that your job as a writer is to hold the hands of the reader and walk them through the world that you're painting so that you can eventually let go and let them be immersed in your story telling.

    if you guys want a more detailed critique of your piece, you're more than welcome to ask for it.


    I loved the idea of this competition, @Zori!

    In a previous life, I wrote a LOT of fanfic with a group called alt.starfleet.rpg (they're still around - you can look them up!) Won in-group awards for it & trained new members. It was exciting to see the competition posted. Sorry the submissions weren't all you were hoping for 🤔

    In case it helps for another time or another person considering this idea, my reasons for not submitting an entry were:

    1. I already had a key
    2. The Fractured world is still SO unformed I had no idea how to write a story about the world I hope to be inhabiting. I could write something fun about the game as it stands, I'm sure, but the real stories will happen once Arboreus shows herself to me and my toons have had some adventures there.



    Well maybe when this game picks up and gets more players sticking around it'll be much better then.
    I felt like a Nigerian prince sitting there with all my money that no one wants tbh

    I would definitely take a look at some of your pieces! I love reading peoples work lol


    @Zori - I googled around to see if I could find the post archives, but they're in closed google-groups 😞

    Doing interactive fiction with some really fun writers kept me sane for a long time while I was in school. The Star Trek universe was convenient bc it's a place many people know well enough to be able to inhabit without a lot of prep (e.g., most Americans over 15 know what a replicator and a phaser are), but we took a LOT of liberties with the canon 😉


    @Zori Thank you for selecting me as the winner! I would also like to point out some things about my entry!

    • I did already have a key, and I was actually writing because I think lore in a game is important and I focused more on the spirit of writing because I love to do so, and a chance for other people who are interested in this game to see a different creative take on the game and what the lore could be. If I did win I was hoping to actually get a friend of mine to be able to join in so this actually works out perfectly and thank you 🙂

    • All of your critique of my narrative is very much valid. I found myself wondering why any of these characters matters, and realized that I would need to create a much bigger story for any of the characters to have any meaning with their deaths, but as this is a competition I did not want to go overboard with how big of a story I was going to write. But this MMO has actually inspired me to write after such a long time, and I feel that once there is some more solid lore that I would love to enter a different writing competition in the future, not for keys or anything but just for fun.

    Thank you for giving me an opportunity to express my creative mind, so far these days the only way I usually express my creative thought is through my coding that I do, so this was a nice change of pace and I am happy that I could have some sort of drive to write a fun story like I did.


    Backstory for characters is fundamental, whether in writing or in theater/rpg enactments. Right now, our little toons have a 'virgin birth' 😳 🤔

    There's a minimum backstory supplied in the character creation phase, which should, logically, be completely discarded and re-created if someone did a lot of modifications to their ability profile. But taking a little time to consider how my toon ended up where she is, doing what she's doing, is something I'll do when the toon is going to last.


    Congratulations @Donner it's nice seeing someone sharing the same sentiments. As I joined myself for two reasons - to fill up the minimum set up by Zori and to - if it came down to winning - get a friend that is interested more invested in the game by having him actually be able to play even outside of the free-for-all tests.
    Also thanks @Zori for organising this, it's definitely nice seeing the community doing "sandbox" things even outside of the game 😉 And sorry for the delay in my answer. Even though I can see being mentioned in the post you made, for some reason I didn't have it in my feed? 😮


    Actually that was also something I noticed, I was mentioned but it never came up in my alerts as well. And thank you 😄 I am very happy that I won, makes me feel good about my writing a bit more.


    Congrats @Donner


    @Zori Please forward my prize to @Waeve 😄 He is my friend that I got to join the community!

  • TF#5 - LEGATE

    Grats @Donner well done man 🙂

  • grats donny boi!


    @Donner said in Story writing competition winner.:

    @Zori Please forward my prize to @Waeve 😄 He is my friend that I got to join the community!

    Screenshot (122).png

    and done 🙂


    @Zori Thank you for the key, can't wait to play 🙂 and thanks for being a real friendo @Donner

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